Do you desire to have children? How do you know when to pursue adoption?

Deciding if adoption is the right choice for you may take some time. It’s a decision that needs to be thought of thoroughly. Do some soul-searching to see if this is really the right decision for you. What’s the dynamic of your family now? Is it the right time to start or grow your family? Have you and your spouse or significant other communicated a plan on how your family dynamics will be changed? Are you both ready for that change?

State Adoption Laws

One of the first things to do is to familiarize yourself with your state’s policies. If you’re considering adopting a child born in a different state, you will need to understand both states’ laws. Another important piece is to hire an adoption attorney and/or an adoption agency who is well informed about your state’s adoption laws. If you’re pursuing international adoption, your lawyer and/or agency will be able to assist with the details regarding adoption outside of your home country.

The Adoption Process

Gather as much information as possible because life will never be the same as you know it once the process is final. Join a social group. Find expert advice and testimonials as you navigate through the adoption journey. Whether it’s choosing your adoption agency or team of professionals to conduct the home study to waiting for a positive feedback, each step is as equally important.

Get to know the process from beginning to end, so that there are no unforeseeable circumstances. Some processes may take longer than others. It varies per case, whether the families know each other; is it a domestic or an international adoption? There are so many variables that play a role throughout the process. Patience is key when pursuing adoption.

Will There be a Bond

Attachment is said to be a connection between people that allows them to place meaning to their relationship. It allows the child to experience a sense of trust, safety, and security. It is developed over time as the parent consistently aims to meet the physical and emotional needs of the child. Although, research has shown that it’s best when attachment is formed before the age of three, it is still possible to form new attachments after the age of three. However, there will be more factors to take into consideration in order to form the new attachment. Seeking family counseling is strongly encouraged to help the transition for both parents and child. Counseling can be for as long as needed. In some states, counseling can be granted for free by your county. This might take some digging or simply an inquiry through your county.

According to research, children adopted as infants seem to display little or no difference in their level of attachment from non-adopted infants. The differences will start becoming very visible when the infants are past the age of six months. Once the infants start growing beyond six months, they might start showing more advanced signs of distress by displaying the following: uncontrollable crying, lack of interest in playing or eating, withdrawal, uncontrollable crying and possible weight loss or sickness.

Ways to Develop Attachment

Regardless of your child’s history, he/she has the ability to form a solid, healthy, well-attached relationship with you. There are ways to enhance and support the relationship that the parent desires to develop with their children. Remember your child’s behaviors should not be taken personally. Allow them to express their hurt and frustration. As they learn to express verbally, they will likely say things that are not pleasant, for example, “you’re not my real mom or dad,” “I wish you were dead.” Any form of rejection towards you should not be looked as a personal issue. Those are the moments that can draw you both closer if you approach them with love, patience and understanding.

Being emotionally available and empathetic will allow your child to see you express a range of emotions which will help them to understand and express their own emotions.

Associate your word with actions by telling them that you missed them while they were away. Affirm them by showing consistency with your attention and affection.

Develop routines and rituals. Good habits create a less stressful environment and increase confidence. Naturally, routines and rituals will change as the child grows. Going to the park mid-afternoon may be fun at the age of 2 or 3 but may not be so much fun when the child turns 6 or 7. He or she might want to ride his/her bike around the block with mom/dad instead.

Create a firm foundation early on so that your child is not spoiled or that it doesn’t get harder to set certain boundaries later on.

There are a lot of books on attachment to peruse through to gain additional insights on where you are in your process. Join a Facebook group and share your thoughts and experiences with parents of like-mindedness. There’s a wide community out there to help you along with your journey.

Is Adoption the Right Choice –

Make sure you’re not feeling pressured to become a parent by outside sources or because your married friends are now parents. Adopting children can be a wonderful experience and a rewarding journey for both the parent and the child if pursued with the right heart and/or frame of mind.

Surround yourself with friends and family who will treat your adopted family like a real family. Some people may not throw you a shower or a welcome party when you’re ready to bring your child home but if you’re in the right community, folks will know what to do to celebrate you and your family as you bring your child home.

If you do decide not to pursue adoption – that’s fine too! You know best what’s right for you. Do not make a decision that you will spend the rest of life regretting because someone told you that adoption is the right choice. Trust your gut no matter what your decision is, it is the right decision!

14 thoughts on “Is Adoption the Right Decision – For Me?”

  1. Thanks for giving this advice!

    My wife and I are not ready to have children yet, but adoption is something we’ve talked about and considered before. I’ve heard from many friends that it can be a challenging and expensive process. Is this true in your experience? And do you know if there’s significant difference between adopting internationally or domestically?

    Thanks!

    1. Thanks for your response. Yes, adoption can be both challenging and expensive depending on the country or the state. I have friends who were able to adopt within 6 months to a year domestically and others who adopted within 2 years. Each case is different and presents its own challenges. From what I understand both domestic and international adoption can be costly; however, there are grants awarded to cover some or all of the costs. Look into adoption grants – they are available.

  2. This is a really lovely article, which has popped up in a very timely fashion for me. I have been considering the differences between long term foster caring and adoption, and I am leaning towards adoption. I do worry about the transition phase and the best ways to support the child, and this has helped me a lot, thank you.

  3. Exceptional information and guidance!  I found this article at the right time as a close relative and her spouse is considering adoption. Do you have any guide on how what is the expected cost to adopt? I’m sure there are variances depending on circumstances but a ballpark amount of legal costs would be helpful. Which support group organizations would you suggest they join?

    1. Glad you have found this article to be helpful.  Thank you so much for the feedback. I don’t know for sure how much the cost to adopt would be since it does vary from state to state and also each situation is different. 

      I googled and found the following info:  Adoptive Families Magazine surveyed 1,100 families who adopted a child in 2012-2013 and reported: Average Total Cost: Adoption Agency – $39,966; Independent Adoption – $34,093. Agency Fees/Program Application: Adoption Agency – $16,962; Independent Adoption – $3,357.

      In terms of agencies or groups, I would say start by joining an adoption related Facebook group.

      Best,

      Dee

  4. The whole concept of adoption is one that I totally am in favor of. Of course, there have to be systems in place to make sure that the vulnerable kids are handed over to the right sort of people that are willing to open their hearts and homes to the kids that need this so badly.

    Part of the systems most states and countries have is a qualification process and the potential adopting parents need to be vetted. That is from the institutional side of things, but on a personal level, before it gets to that stage the potential parents need to be sure that this is a road they want to travel down.

    I have seen where some just want to adopt as many kids as possible for the wrong reasons, or perhaps they are taking care of kids on an interim basis to earn money, rather than for concern with the children. These are the kinds of people that need to be denied access.

    As it is such a personal choice, I think a bit of time needs to be taken and all aspects of the obligation are discussed and agreed to between potential parents. There is a real need for people to step up to the plate for these kids, and I wish more people would consider adoption.

    We have a couple of adopted children in the family, and they have enriched the lives of those they have touched. It was a blessing for all. They are as the rest of the children, we treat them no differently. They appreciate this, and they are great kids. 

    When I was in the military, we always sponsored kid during the holidays and showed them a good time for a day. As nice as that was, what they need is a full-time parent who will care for them and help them grow up to be happy and productive in life.

    Thanks for a thought-provoking article, I needed that this morning to keep my compassion levels at a high state. I do hope that this post touches many people and they take action.  

    1. Thank you so much for your detailed feedback. I truly do appreciate your comments and encouragement. My hope is for readers to take away a positive thought from the post and reach out where they can and make a difference.

      Best,

      Dee

  5. Wow! This is golden. Firstly, thanks for addressing this germane topic. Adoption to me is not so bad the way people see it. I and my partner had been considering that before God gave us a bouncing baby boy. I see adoption as a way to create blood like relationship that is full of affections, love and care to a kid meant to be one’s child but not given birth to by one and as such, the kid must never realise through actions that they ain’t biological children. The highlighted discourse in this post are very well on point and the way the relationship is set will determine the kind of growth and bond that will be with such child.

    thanks

    1. Thank you so much for taking the time to share your personal story. Glad you were blessed with your son. Best of all to you and your family. 

  6. Wow, thanks a lot for the great post and this post means a lot to me and very personal.

    To be honest when I was 10 years old I had the desire to help orphan because I was in an orphan home for 7+ years. Now I am 36 years old recently married and on March 2nd by GOD’s grace my wife gave birth to a boy baby we named him Elijah.

    Before my marriage itself I informed my desire and wish to adopt a child and my wife said we will have one baby and we will adopt the second baby. If I gave birth to a girl we will adopt a boy or if I gave birth to a boy we will adopt a girl. So by GOD’S grace we will adopt a girl baby.

    I got great insights from your post and I had already gone through the adoption laws. I thought of adopting a 5 year old child but after reading your post I changed my mind and I will adopt the child which is less than 6 months old. Thanks for the great advice.

    Much Success!

    Paul

    1. Paul,

      Thank you for sharing your story – wow! Congratulations on your baby boy! I do hope you bring your baby girl home soon. Appreciate your feedback. 

      Best of all to you! 

  7. Hi,

    Thank You very much for sharing such an educative article with all the essential information about “Is ADOPTION THE RIGHT DECISION”

    Really this is an amazing article. My big brother was thinking to adopt a child.But he was in a hesitate that it would be the right decision or not.I think if i share this article with him definitely after that he realize that his decision is right. One can learn that adopting children can be a great wonderful experience for both the parents and children. I have gained all the thorough details about the process of adoption. This article is very helpful for those people who want to adopt a child as you suggested the ways of developing attachment.I think all these things are very worthy for my brother. I will give all the information which is what I have learned from your article. I hope he will become very happy and i will come back to you with the positive result. I will also share this article with my friends and relatives so that they can benefited from this.

    The nature of my brother is a little angry, can you suggest a book on attachment in this regard?

    1. about:blank#blockedThank you so much for your feedback. I’m glad that you find this article helpful and I do hope it helps your brother with his decision. I do have a book link in the article but here’s another link to use when placing an order.  I haven’t read it yet but “The Connected Child” looks very informative. Link: https://amzn.to/2XKYjbU

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